WE HATE CLOP FICS!
by The Cowardly Christian
Summary: After a great tragedy that paves the streets with blood...Equestria finds herself adopting a human infant...worse, she discovers that the child has both a blessing and a curse. He'll be cursed to create a great evil that will shake Equestria and kill everyone he loves...but blessed to always find love...whether the ponies like it or not...wait, I think I got those mixed up
1. Chapter 1

**WE HATE CLOP FICS!**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon and BarnesandNoble.**

...

It was a glorious day in Canterlot! Celestia should know, she was the one that set it in motion! It was so beautiful that she just had to sing!

 **Morning in Equestria shimmers**

 **Morning in Equestria shines**

 **And I know for absolute certain...**

 **That everything is certainly fine!**

She flies above her subjects wishing them all good will and happiness...

 **There's the Mayor _en route_ to her office.**

"Morning your majesty!" Shouts said mayor.

 **There's the sofa clerk selling some quills.**

"Thanks for the beautiful day your majesty!"

 **My Equestria is so gentle and still**

 **Can things ever go wrong?**

 **I don't think that they will!**

Says the princess as she lands and confidently trots down the street.

 **Morning in Equestria shimmers**

 **Morning in Equestria shines**

 **And I know for absolute certain, That everything is certainly—**

 **WHAM!**

 **(music abruptly halts)**

Celestia shook her head and turned to the person she'd run into, "I'm so sorry, I should watch where... Celestia froze...for before her stood a monster.

It towered above her, it had long slender arms and had no face...yet it wore a business suite and held an umbrella.

The creature(somehow) smiled at her, **"Afternoon your majesty...would you like to buy an umbrella? Storm's a coming after all."** He said innocently.

Celestia, after a moments shock...found her voice, "S-storm? Why there's not a cloud in the sky. I-

 **SPLAT!**

Something hit the ground near Celestia, covering her face with something wet and sticky...suddenly having a bad feeling...Celestia touched the substance on her face...and saw it was **blood**...

Dread now on the rise...she turned to the 'object' that had squirted her...and her insides went cold...it was an infant...a hairless, ape-like infant...that had hit the pavement, killing it instantly...it's blood and grey matter now splashed everywhere...

Before a horrified Celestia could respond-

 **SPLAT!**

Celestia's ears prickled in terror at the sound...as it slowly...but surly began to get more frequent...

 **SPLAT!...** **SPLAT!...** **SPLAT!...**

The monster handed her a spare umbrella, **"I REALLY think you should reconsider...I have a suspicion that this is about to become a downpour."** Said the creature with a (somehow)knowing smile.

Celestia grabbed the umbrella just in time-

 **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!**

 **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!**

 **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!** **SPLAT!-**

Celestia could only gape in horror...thousands...thousands of infants...falling from the sky's...staining her beautiful land in blood and gore, she quickly tried to use her magic, but it just bounced off them uselessly! She tried to fly up and catch them...but they seemed to ricochet away her grasp at the last second!

After several hours, her face with streaked with blood and tears as she wailed and weeped over this whole nightmare, some of her more braver subjects had tried to help...but they too had been meet with failure...still at least it was starting to let up a bit...

 **SPLAT!...** **SPLAT!...** **SPLAT!...**

Celestia simply cradled the rotting corpse of the sweet infant...an infant who would now never know love, friendship, and happiness...two less eyes that wouldn't see, one less pair of lungs that would breath, one less mouth to laugh...a life murdered before it could ever truly live...

She wailed to the heaves, "WHY!? WHY!? COULDN'T I SAVE THEM!?" She screamed to all who would listen.

 **"No need to shout, just adopt them before they crash obviously. Then you can save them no problem..."** Spoke up the monster in a mock chastising way.

Celestia turned to the monster, both in rage and stunned bafflement. Before she could vent her anger-

 **"Oh, speaking of which...I think the last one is falling now. Best hurry your majesty."** He said as he pointed upward.

Celestia looked up...and sure enough one last infant was falling, everything else left her mind as she went super-sonic to grab the child and while doing so-

"BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME, I ADOPT THIS CHILD AND MAKE HIM MY HEIR!" Screamed Celestia desperately as she used her magic to bind the oath, she had no reason to trust the monsters words, but at this point she'd try ANYTHING!

...and it worked...the child wept. "Oh, sweeite! Don't cry! It'll all be better now!" She said as comforting as possible, she summoned a blanket to warm the child's naked form. While doing so...she noticed an odd birth mark on his head...

 _"The big Dipper? Huh, interesting omen..."_ Thinks Celestia as she floats down slowly...not surprising the monster was long gone...what WAS surprising was that he'd left a parchment full of instructions...instructions that made Celestia feel sick.

She quickly covered the ears of her new son...and screamed every profanity under the sun...

...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.**  
 **But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas?**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	2. Chapter 2

**WE HATE CLOP FICS! 2**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...

YOU NAMED THAT SAVAGE YOUR HEIR!?

HE'S NOT EVEN A PONY!

YOU TURNED DOWN MY SON TO ALLOW THAT 'THING' ON THE THRONE!?

WHY NOT JUST THROW OUR COUNTRY TO THE DIAMOND DOGS WHILE WERE AT IT!?

Celestia groaned as the nobles continued to scream. Naturally, even after the 'rain' had ended ponies were still in panic. Cleanup was in progress...but it would take months...there was just so much blood...EVERYWHERE...

But that was a concern for later...right now, she'd adopted a strange 'alien'. No, not just adopted, thanks to her mystically binding oath...this child was now her HEIR, the next in line for the throne...

Right, she'd had enough of this, she had a child to look after now after all! Why, she hadn't even named him yet!

 **ENOUGH!**

Her scream shook the entire courtroom, silencing everyone.

She glared at all of them; "First of all...I did what I had to do to stop yet ANOTHER infantcide- Unless you rather I have just allowed the child to die!?" She glared at everyone, daring them to say 'yes'...none did.

"SECOND, who my heir is is hardly relative considering I'm immortal...unless someone here is suggesting something be done about that as well!?" She accused darkly...again, the now cowed nobles said nothing...

Celestia nodded, "Good, in that case if you'll excuse me...I now have a son who needs to be attending to." She teleports away before she could be stopped.

...

She goes right to the royal physician, they inform her that far as they can tell...he seems healthy.

"Of course, that's mostly guess work. This is a completely new species, I've already talked with other physicians and were going to have to do extensive research on this."

Celestia agreed to this, she then takes up the child into her arms. He was such a scrawny, tiny thing. She knew not what to do with him, or how his future will play out- there was no way in Tarterus she was going to allow what that monster wrote to happen -But she was going to do everything in her power to love and protect this child...

Again, she saw the birthmark on his head, "The big Dipper...Dipper...how about I call you that?What do you think little one?" She took his giggling as a yes.

...She'd never had a child of her own before- out of fear that it would be mortal and she'd outlive it -but she was the ruler of an entire realm, one who'd established a peaceful reign...how hard could it be to raise a child?

...

...how she would curse tempting fate like that...

For the first five months it was -more or less- a simple matter of taking care of a baby...then he learned to walk...and Celestia realized the TRUE flipside of being a parent...watching their child become a spawn of Tarterus itself!

No sooner had he taken his first steps...then he'd figured out how to undo the lock in his crib...

"HOW'D HE GET ON THE ROOF!?"

First Celestia tried to simply replace the basic wooden bolt with an iron bolt, it worked...for a week before Dipper figured out how to unscrew them-

"DIPPER! NO! THAT GUILLOTINE IS NOT A TOY!"

Then she used a lock...an honest to goodness numerical lock...and it worked...Dipper was never able to find out a way to unlock it...

"HOW'D HE GET INTO THE MANTICORE POISON!? WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE THIS!?"

...so instead he just figured out how to unscrew the nuts keeping the crib together...causing it to fall apart...

Celestia just stared with her mouth gaping open at the soot covered guards she'd assigned to watch over Dipper. "How- "We want hazard pay...triple the usual amount...or we quit!" Interrupted the guard annoyed...

Celestia simply facehoofed herself...

...

Indeed, unconfined from his crib, he got into EVERYTHING. He'd collect/steal anything 'interesting' that wasn't nailed down, eat anything that looked 'neat', and explore every nook, cranny, and crawlspace...

Celestia tried to be firm with him, but it was hard...Dipper was unlike most foals she'd read up on, save for the most extreme cases pony foals were for the most part well behaved, fairly clever, weren't very curious and obedient to their parents- if easily panicked at the drop of a hat(it went hand-in-hand with the naturally 'herd' instinct that all ponies shared).

And although Dipper was clever- WAY more clever then most foals his age -he seemed to have a curious, disobedient streak a mile long!

..it left Celestia with little idea on how to handle him...which of course lead to...

"Now Dipper, you must behave yourself! Otherwise...Nightmare moon will swoop down and eat you!" She hated doing this- as it brought on bad memories, plus only encouraged the demonization of her beloved sister...but she was at her wits end!

...Fortunately...it seemed to work! Dipper began to reign in his quirky impulsive tendencies...and although he still dismantled his crib...it was only occasionally, as opposed to multiple times a day...

It worked so well, that Celestia continued at it...she started to Add Discord as a cautionary tale! And again, it seemed to work. Celestia didn't question it...her blood pressure was finally low again...that was all that mattered...

...looking back she should have known better...

Celestia was astounded when At only one year old he began to speak his first words...much to her confusion, instead of the usual 'moma', 'cat', 'dog', etc. that most foals began to say...he instead asked, 'Nightmare moon?' and 'Discord'?

...several months later, after much effort he'd begin to string more words together...and started expanding to 'Who Nightmare Moon?', 'Who Discord?' and 'Tell me.'

Again, weird behavior for a child that age- from a pony perspective -most foals -well most pony's of all ages really -would be content with as little knowledge as possible on such unpleasant subjects and focus on having a happy day...but not Dipper apparently!

Baffled by this very un-pony-like behavior...the guards, servants, and Celestia found themselves answering most of his questions out of simple bewilderment of why he'd want to know such things...

...At age two...

Celestia hummed a happy tune as she walked through the royal garden, her son was progressing quickly, she'd been a bit worried about her decision to get him started on learning to read when he first showed interest at such a young age...but apparently no one told Dipper that most foals his age found books 'boring'. Celestia giggled, despite the bit of a rough start...she was growing very found of her adopted child. Say what you will about him he kept things...'interesting'.

Why there he was now, standing in the middle of the garden, tall, proud, unclothed...next to the statue of discord?

Celestia frowned, Why would he-

Then Dipper ran away from the statue...a statue that Celestia now saw was covered with something-

 **BOOM!**

Celestia's eye twitched and mouth gaped in horror as the statue of Discord exploded, "MY LITTLE PONIES! RUN! DISCORD IS FREE! HE-

 **"OH SWEET MERCY! OH FAUST! I COULDN'T BE IN MORE PAIN! GAH! GAH! GAH! WHY!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"**

All of Canterlot and the surrounding cities fell to their knees and clutched their heads as Discord continued to scream into their minds in agony...

...

Turns out Dipper- once told about Discord and Nightmare Moon coming to get him, took a more...'proactive' approach. Again, this shocked everyone with his so very different mindset. Ponies didn't think like that! They loved to avoid thought's of conflicts and strife, much preferring to live their lives in happy bliss. True if a conflict arose they'd try to fight against it...but to strike BEFORE said evil did, to actively prepare and plan for it? For the most part this was completely unheard of!

Even Celestia was floored by this! True, she had plans in place for said evils return...but nothing quite so...AGGRESSIVE! She'd never have thought to blow it up, not only because the risk of setting him free...but also due to the peaceful, herbivore nature that most ponies have that makes them exceedingly reluctant to take another life.

She was also surprised by Dipper's creation, at first she merely thought that Dipper had somehow acquired magically created fireworks...but instead he'd just made his own! After much experimentation he'd apparently learned of a recipe for a potent explosive composed of potassium nitrate (75% by weight), charcoal (15% by weight), and sulfur (10% by weight)...it was an amazing...and also kinda terrifying how easily weapons of destruction came to Dipper...

In any case...Discord was shattered to a thousand pieces...he was still trapped, but forced to endure the feeling of being shattered yet never dying...forever.

...His screams of agony were horrifying and ironically his innate chaos magic made it impossible to put the pieces back together in any conventional way...

...So with a heavy heart Celestia was forced to scatter the pieces so far apart from each other that Discords mind bbecomes too fractured and weak for his screams of agony to torment pony-kind.

Celestia was originally going to put each piece in a separate castle filled with traps and such...but Dipper had the clever idea of simply randomly scattering the pieces all over the world...thus making it impossible for them to be reassembled, since all those small pieces just looked like ordinary rocks...

Celestia complimented his...'unique' ingenuity...however, in concern to his plan to 'deal' with Nightmare Moon-

"NO! I'm not sending you to the moon to blow her up!" "Awwwww, but mom- "NO, buts mister!"

...

As time went on Celestia began to see how much more clever Dipper was becoming, turns out he'd been hiding secret caches of supplies throughout the castle...he'd even gone as far to allow himself to be caught stealing a couple times just to make he guards complacent and allow him to steal more while their guard was down...

...Still...despite this, after the Discord fiasco Dipper calmed down...and several years of peace followed...until...

...age five...

"So your daughter got her cutie mark?" Asked a maid excited, the other maid nodded. "YES! I'm so proud of her! Were having her Cutescenera this weekend!"

"What's a cutie mark?" Both maids looked down at the suddenly appearing unclothed 'prince'.

They told him how a cutie mark is the mark of a 'true' pony, as well as an indicator of their 'destiny'.

"Wow...when do i get mine?" Asked Dipper excited.

The now very nervous maids...being under strict orders -like the rest of the household -by the Princess to allow her to...'ease' Dipper into the idea that he wasn't a pony...simply advised he 'explore various interests until he found one that felt 'right'.'

...They would rue that advise...

...Thanotology Cutie mark...

"Why is their roadkill in your room!?"

...Demonology Cutie Mark...

"DIPPER! BRING BACK CERBERUS! WE NEED HIM TO GUARD THE GATES OF TARTERUS!" Shouted an exhausted Celestia as she chased Dipper ridding said giant three-headed dog through Canterlot...

...pyrologist Cutie Mark...

"HOW DID HE SET THE POOL ON FIRE!?"

...eschatology Cutie mark...

"Dipper, stop giving ponies Existential crisis! -A sentence I never thought I'd ever use..."

...Virology Cutie Mark...

"Why Dipper, why!?"

...Astrology Cutie mark...

"WHY IS THE OBSERVATORY FILLED WITH TREE SAP!?"

...Necromancy Cutie mark...

"DIPPER! I SAID NO MORE ROADKILL IN YOUR ROOM!

...

Celestia sighed...she kept Dipper locked up all day...she didn't want to panic ponies with his appearance...or break poor Dipper's heart with the revelation that he's not a pony...worse, he wasn't meeting anyone his age! How was he to experience the wonders of friendship?

Celestia briefly thought of the two human girls that also survived the 'baby rain'...but immediately dismissed them, if the monsters letter was right...well...best not to take chances.

...come to think of it...the time was drawing near for her to find the 'chosen one' for her apprentice to bring her sister back to her...perhaps she could kill two birds with one stone?

...

Dipper read over one of the few books that Canterlot had on Zebra magic...if his hunch was right...

Then he noticed his mom enter the room...with someone else?

"Dipper...I'd like you to meet Sunset Shimmer, she'll be my new apprentice and I hope you treat her nicely.

Dipper, although feeling awkward being around a filly his age for the first time tried to do as his mom asked and smiled and raised a hand for her to shake.

"H-hello Sunset! I...I hope we'll be friends!" He said nervously.

The little yellow filly just stared at the hairless naked ape for a second... "Your dick is tiny." She pointed out.

Celestia face hoofed...

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Publish a chapter of my 'Shake up the Falls' Challenge before anyone else and I'll update the next chapter this plus two other stories!**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	3. Chapter 3

**Tales of the Falls**

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...

 **ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.**

...responses...

RasenganFin: Yes

Wicked.A: Thanks for pointing out the plot hole, I fixed it. Couldn't find the other stuff. Also, thank you. Watch 'S205' of Gravity falls again for an answer

The Howling Behemoth: thank you

...

Ironically, Dipper was actually fairly 'average' sized for his species and age...sadly he had no way of knowing this...all he knew was that a cute filly had attacked the essence of what made him a boy...and he had no comeback...

The instant Sunset had said those four words Celestia had quickly grabbed and dragged her outside to have a long talk with her...but the damage was already done...

...later that night...

Dipper, ruler in hand cautiously snuck toward the royal barracks...where the guards were taking a snooze...

...Dipper knew he had to be careful...considering what he was about to do...if he got caught...he doubt even being Celestia's son would save him...so it was very important...

"Comparing sizes are we?" Said a sudden, familiar, teasing voice in his ear that made Dipper jump up in fright.

Sunset Shimmer was an orphan...an orphan who'd been lucky enough to catch the eyes of Princess Celestia herself. And thus she'd been adopted- Well, technically it was an 'apprenticeship', but she was in a new home with a new mom- MENTOR! She meant mentor!...in any case it was an adoption for all intents and purposes really...

...and then she found out she'd have to share Celestia's attention with...THIS. She'd admit to being mildly interested in meeting a new species...but...it just be best if he left...

Naturally, Celestia had made it very clear that she favored him and the consequences of another 'issue' that happened earlier...but if the boy deliberately did things to undermine his confidence and prove her point...well...who was she to stand in his way? Better yet, who was she NOT to help him do so?

Once more Dipper flustered in the presence of the cute filly...even more so with her early comment ringing in his ear...

Sunset smirked at his discomfort...and helped him sneak into the guards barrack...and one by one...they did...'measurements'..and with each one Dipper's self-esteem took another hit...

Finally, for the first time ever...Dipper felt ashamed of his nudity- especially in front of a filly -and tried to cover himself embarrassed.

Susnet saw this and giggled, "Awwww, is LITTLE- Dipper winched at that word -Dipper feeling self-conscious?" She teased.

Dipper just glared back defiantly...then a thought occurred to him.

"Wait...all the one's we measured are Stallions- he smirked -One day I'll be as big as them!" He uncovers himself and smirks at Sunset, "You'll see! One day you'll be blown away by my stuff!" He then walks away prideful.

Sunset smirks, _"Oh, we'll see about that."_ Sunset maybe forbidden from telling him he's not a pony...but she could do something a bit more _subtle._

 _"Shrink."_ She thinks with a giggle as she casts a little spell on poor, oblivious Dipper's 'area'...

 _"Puberty is not going to be kind to you my friend."_ Thinks Sunset with a laugh as she cockily swaggers after him...

...later...

-And so I'm going to the Griffon kingdom for an important political luncheon, in the meantime we'll continue our lessons through these." Explained Celestia as she handed Sunset one of two special notebooks that would allow them to send messages between each other...

Sunset gleefully took the gift said her goodbyes and went off to study more...

"Hey, Sunset! What you go there?" Asked Dipper popping up suddenly. Sunset sighed in annoyance, but eager to gloat about Celestia's gift over him, "Celestia just got me a magic Journal to communicate with her!"

"Wow, how dose it work?" Asked Dipper impressed.

Sunset smirked, "A simple two-way runic display system of course!"

"Ohhhh...how dose 'A simple two-way runic display system work?'" Asked Dipper curiously.

Sunset looked at him like he was an idiot, "Uh, MAGIC. DUH!" She snarks.

Dipper frowns, "No, I mean how dose the magic that makes it work WORK?" He asks again.

Sunset was thrown by this, you don't ask how magic works! Magic was self-explanatory! Every pony knew that!...and yet...

 _"...How dose it work?"_ Realizes a stumped Sunset...not wanting to look foolish in front of Dipper she desperately tried to regain her composure. "Right...of course I know! I'm just...I just need to figure out the best way to explain it to you so YOU'LL understand." She lies quickly.

Dipper frowns, "I...what? That makes no-"

"Look, let's go to the library to research...teaching methods!" She said quickly, _"Annnnd maybe one or two books on magic theory."_ She thinks to herself embarrassed.

Eager to learn something new, Dipper shrugged off his confusion and chased after her...

...

Celestia sighed at the slums the once proud Griffon kingdom had become...what a waste. As she enters the meeting room filled with the other delegates, she feels her journal warm up and vibrate.

 _"Oh! Sunset must have a question for me! Well, I'm sure I can spare her a second."_ She smirks as she opens up the journal:

 **...平方根由siz到一百...suus 'latebat in tenebris, suus' cortex mali punici genae abominabiles facti sunt acri...فقاعة فقاعة الكدح والمتاعب**

Celestia frowned at the gibberish that was being randomly generated in the journal as it glowed brighter, "What is this-

 **BOOM!**

...

 _"Well...so much for building a new hospital...and a new dessert cart..."_ Thinks Celestia as she 'Coughs up the bits' to placate the griffons/pay for the destruction of their castle.

Celestia promptly grounded both foals when she found them both hovering over the destroyed remnants of Sunsets journal...

...many months later...

Okay Sunset would admit, having Dipper around was...AMUSING. His way of looking at the world, thinking about the world...was so weird...and kinda interesting. Before she meet him, she would just learn magic...but Dipper made her want to learn HOW magic actually worked. She never realized how much she- and most other ponies -simply accepted the 'it works because MAGIC!' explanation without a second thought... Of course, she'd have realized that eventually herself! ...still Dipper had been taking her research in some interesting directions...

His quest for a cutie mark- to be clear she only joined him on this to make fun of him! Not because she thought it was fun! Get that thought out of your head! -had shown her lots of different types of avenues of research and hobbies she'd have never thought possible!

...flashback...

 _"You recreated Cutie-pox?!" Asked Sunset amazed...and disturbed. "Why would you do something that stupid?" She asked baffled._

 _Dipper shrugged, "Think about it, it's a disease that gives you multiple cutie marks AND talents! Figure out how to control it and you could get as many talents as you want! I figured even if I didn't get a viralology cutie mark I could still use it to get a mark of my own!"_

 _Sunset was stunned, it was insane, crazy, ludicrous! ...and yet..._

 _She tried to shrug off her curiosity, "Well...if it's so great, why aren't you still researching it!?" She retorted._

 _Dipper blushed, "Uh...Mom threatened to banish me to the moon if I EVER researched it again...after I...kinda...sorta...accidentally...infected half of Equestria...and half the dragon kingdom...which used their new talents to invade..._

 _Sunset gaped at him..._

 _...later..._

 _"With all due respect your highness and I mean this in the nicest way possible...WHY HAVE YOU NOT EXILED AND DISOWNED HIM YET!?" Exclaimed the baffled Filly._

 _Celestia sighed, "Don't tempt me..." She groaned..._

...

In any case...that's how she found herself here in the garage...with a giant go cart.

"what do you think?" Asked Dipper.

"...Compensating much?" Teased Sunset.

Dipper blushed and covered his loincloth area, "What- NO! I'm going to uses this to win the Canterlot Derby! And maybe a racing cutie mark!"

Sunset rolled her eye's, "Right, like you earned your Garbology cutie mark?"

Dipper blushed...

...flashback...

 _Dipper grunted with effort as he and Sunset hauled in a large garbage bag through a doggie door and into the castle..._

 _Celestia groaned, "No, Dipper, no!" She shouted exasperated right before the bag broke and she was up to her neck in refuse..._

...

"Hey come on you helped too!" retorted Dipper

"I- I only helped to get a better view of you failing!" Snapped a flustered Sunset. Dipper gives her a weird look, "why do you keep saying things like that? It's obvious we have fun together...why do you have to be so mean about it? Now do you want to help me with this or not? I'm adding flame throwers and I could use your help!"

He turns his back to her and gets back to work. Angrily Sunset huffs and tries to appear aloof...but the concept of a 'flame thrower' intrigued her...and she relented and came to help him...AFTER she cast another curse on his 'area' -just to teach him a lesson- she smirked as her 'jinx' caused his loincloth to snag on the gears and rip off...as would ANYTHING else that he tried to use to cover his shame from now on.

"Aw! It's like a tiny, baby, hairless caterpillar." She teased with a snicker.

Sunset teasing, while embarrassing only further motivated Dipper to do better to FINALLY impress her. He continues to finish the siphon-hose and piston that would ignite the flames...

...

Celestia smiled over the gathered derby carts filled with bright, smiling children faces...it reminded her of her Dipper...right before he caused another calamity.

She shook her head of this thought, Dipper may have been a handful but he was a good kid! That choreographed firework display he did on mothers day took her breath away...True it also burned down the east wing of the castle...but she tried not to think of that part.

And he and sunset were so cute together! ...True, this caused them to get in TWICE the mischief...but hey, the important thing was that Dipper and Sunset had made friends, right?...right?

She again rid her head of such thoughts, it was time for the event to begin! She preps her royal Canterlot voice to max Volume.

RACERS! ON YOUR MARK!

The carts began to hum in anticipation

GET SET!

The various foals and fillies tightened their grips on their steering wheels

G-

 **BOOM!**

And thus Celestia was treated to the sight of her son and apprentice jumping down from a nearby highway..in a cart three times bigger then the others...covered with spewing flame-throwers and rotating spikes...land on the starting line and utterly crush and annihilate all the other competitors within seconds...they then rolled down the speedway unopposed yelling like loons...

The cries of fear, agony, and despair echoed throughout the streets...Celestia face-hoofed, _"Y'know...Maybe my sister deposing me wouldn't be the WORST thing to happen...I'd get a vacation for one thing..."_

...…...

TO BE CONTINUED?

 **AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Publish a chapter of my 'Shake up the Falls' Challenge before anyone else and I'll update the next chapter this plus two other stories!**

 **Love me, flame me, review me**


	4. Chapter 4

**ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **AN: I am rewriting this story and continuing it in 'Tales of the falls'(it'll be easier to keep track of)  
**

 **As for the rate of updating; that depends on real life, inspiration, will of my lord and savior Jesus Christ...and bribing me with 'Shake up the falls chapters.**

 **Yes, for every ONE chapter of my 'Tales of the Falls' challenge you make, I'll have THREE stories of YOUR choosing updated.**

 **...as long as they follow the requirement below:**

 **SHAKE UP THE FALLS: CHALLENGE!**

 **Primary Objective:**

 **Tired of fanfictions just copying cannon and not doing anything really different? Well, I am!**

 **So I say we do a 'deconstruction' of Dipper and Mabels 'sibling bond'! Through the following-**

 **(BEGIN FLASH-FORWARD)**

 ** _A forty-something year old Dipper enters his parents house and takes off his fast-food uniform with a sigh as he looks down at his meager paycheck._**

 ** _A forty-something Mabel (wearing a crazy sweater and surrounded by dozens of cats); looks up._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Guess what!? I made a 50 ft butterfly made of comics...which I then set ablaze! I'm still the goddess of destruction!...also the police are here again to fine us for burning stuff without a permit...also for unintended arson damage to the neighbors house"_**

 **" _Wait, what!?" Shouts Dipper just as a policeman steps out of the shadows and snatches up Dipper's paycheck._**

 **" _Ah, come on man! I worked overtime the whole week at the drive-through to earn that!" Shouts Dipper. But the Officer had already left._**

 ** _Dipper feels a drop of water on his head...the ceiling was leaking..._**

 **" _I also created a new water slide for Waddles!"_**

 ** _CRASH!_**

 ** _The ceiling gives way as a giant hog crashes down and breaks the floor; water soaking everything!_**

 ** _The cats scatter in panic; breaking various household objects as they do so._**

 ** _Mabel laughs at this. "Ah, they're cute when their crazy!" She shouts as she takes a picture of them._**

 ** _Dipper sighs as he goes to check the emergency fund...only to find it empty..._**

 **" _Hey Dipping sauce! Can we have Pizza tonight!? Duck-tective will be on!" Shouts the ever cheerful yet oblivious Mabel._**

 ** _Dipper just hangs his head...and cries..._**

 ** _(FLASH-FORWARD END)_**

 **What I just showed you was a peek into a future after Gravity falls, where Mabel no longer needs to fear growing up...because she doesn't have to! Why would she need to when she has a pushover brother who is willing to sacrifice everything: never getting married, never being independent, never having a life of his own to make her happy?!(in other words: An Enabler/Co-dependent relationship)  
**

 **You can give this vision to whoever you want: Dipper, Mabel, Wendy, Pacifica, Stan, Ford, Soos, etc- You can have it sent to them at any time in the series, or have them sent back in time, or do a Peggy Sue! And have them use this knowledge to shatter cannon!**

 **Also Bill Cipher's threat needs to be taken more seriously!(I'm talking actual full-on Armageddon preparation after his first appearance!) And they need to take Gideon seriously when he sends the creepy letters and hosts his TV show(You don't have to kill him, but the Pines Family have to at least Neutralize him...or make some kind preparation to fight him when he breaks out). EXAMPLE: Mable is forced to take Dipper more seriously and not mess with him to survive or The realization that she and her loved one's might die at the end of the summer make Wendy not so hung up on the whole 'age gap' with Dipper and goes out with him.  
**

 **Also, the hero's need to be proactive! When Gideon starts sending creepy letters and making television broadcasts, they need to take care of him(kill or neutralize; either works). All that matters is that they strike first at the first sign of trouble; And don't just have them wait around and do nothing!  
**

 **NO LEMONS, LIMES, YAOI, YURI OR INCEST PLEASE! I HATE THAT STUFF...  
**

 **Secondary objective: the following episodes can't end as they did in cannon!(especially if your doing a Crossover!) If you want to kill Wendy and have Pacifica be the rebound fine. Or you could have Wendy give Dipper a chance after saving him from ghosts...have them go on a couple dates(this can even happen off-screen if it's easier)...Wendy decides it's not going to work...and then land Pacifica on the rebound(that works too) Just do something different!(conversely, you could also just give Pacifica Tyrone and Dipper could have Wendy...just saying...everyone would be happy...)**

 **"The Inconveniencing".(it annoyed me that no one did anything with Wendy's 'stare at wall and rethink everything' statement, I'd appreciate some help there)  
**

 **Time Travelers Pig(call it semantics if you must, but I would never let a girl get hurt just to save a pig. Mabel's just going to have to suck it up and learn she can't have everything)(I'd recommend using Steven Universes 'The Answer' as a template(or it's Aesop at least)) The ending can't be cannon! Especially if your doing a crossover!(Endings where BOTH Waddles and Wendy are saved are also okay)  
**

 **Fight Fighters(none of this band-aid solution 'hate each other in silence' stuff! I want to see an aftermath! Have Wendy find out the truth and be mad at both of them if you have to! Just do something different!**

 **Little Dipper(I would prefer you just skip this episode entirely to be honest) (Or better yet, use Steven Universes 'Too short to Ride' episode as a template)(But if you do, do this episode...skip the 'twins idiotically Argue over the crystal instead of saving themselves and their home from Gideon' Scene. Have Dipper punch out Mabel and use the crystal. Or have Mabel punch out Dipper to use the crystal! Just do something different! Especially if it's Crossover! In that case have someone else punch them and use the crystal!)Considering what Dipper just sacrificed for Mable in Time travelers pig...I've always felt that Mable was more then a bit ungrateful and mean in this episode...  
**

 **Boyz Crazy(I actually have no problem with the ending here believe it or not, but I was annoyed that it was rendered somewhat meaningless since there was no aftermath(between Dipper and Wendy anyway). So...you know...go do your thing. I would recommend using Steven universes 'week of Sardonyx' Arc as a template)**

 **Into the Bunker((take a deep breath)look, you can handle the shipping however you want. But you have to have Mabel equally punished for the trouble(it is her fault they were locked in there in the first place after all). (Preferably where Wendy and Dipper are mad at Mabel and refuse to forgive her.)(their also needs to be an aftermath, Dipper having an honest, real conversation with Wendy about how he still has feelings for her and where they go from here. I'd recommend using Steven Universe episodes 'Mr Greg' or 'we need to talk' as templates)(also please just skip 'Roadside attraction' entirely, please)(if your doing a crossover, and bring someone else down there with them, you have to have them stop Mabel from locking Dipper up!  
**

 **Northwest mansion Noir:(Groan) so much wasted potential. Pacifica's parents just forgive her? Nothing comes from the shipping? Pacifica was nearly killed by Wendy's ancestor, and nothing comes from that?)(P.S. I'm aware that a lot of people have actually fixed that in their fics(for which I'm grateful), I just feel that it needs to be said)**

 **Mabel and Dipper v.s. the future(you do what you want with this...just don't make things so ridiculously one-sided and place all the blame on Dipper as it did in cannon(also, Dipper has to find out about Mabel's deal with Bill))**

 **Tertiary objective:**

 **Dipper V.S. Manliness: I always thought it weird that their was no girl(be it Wendy, pacifica, Tambry, or candy, etc) during his 'man trials'. Whether to beat him at being a 'man', laugh at his loincloth(or if he loses said loincloth, make him embarrassed), be inadvertently a crucial part of his 'trial', or just along for the ride...I just think it's a story possibility that should be explored is all... I also feel that Stan's hypocrisy for badmouthing ABBA while he himself watches 'The Duchess Approves' should be explored...as well as Dipper getting mad at Mable ridiculing him after everything he's done for her,  
**

 **Carpet Diem: It always bugged me that nobody cared about Dippers leg getting chewed off by a wolf, A woodpecker biting out his tongue, or his personal belongings getting vandalized...Don't just slap a band-aid solution 'Status-Quo' approved ending on it...make Dipper mad at Mabel for putting him through all that! Have it be a long messy fight! If you make them reconcile...they BOTH have to earn it!(especially Mable)  
**

 **Summerween: Why is it so horrible for Dipper to want to celebrate Halloween his own way? True, he shouldn't of lied, but slanting the episode to put him completely in the wrong for wanting to have fun his own way...was completely unnecessary! Pleas make this episode more balanced**

 **Dreamscape: For the most part I have no complaints about the episode, but it needs to be at least addressed that Stan only 'toughens' up Dipper while letting Mable do whatever she wants. Also, could someone PLEASE tackle Gideon when he's gloating about the Deed in front of the Pines?**

 **Soos and the real girl(I don't get why Melody should have to leave, I'd rather prefer she stayed and have a sub-plot going with Soos)**

 **Blendin's Game(I mostly had no problem with this...but it always bugged me that no one did anything with the 'young Wendy thinks Dipper is cute' storyline...some assistance here would be most appreciated)(I'd also like to see Wendy's reaction to that)  
**

 **Tale of two Stans:(I'm with my fellow fanficton writers. Their should have at least been a small rift popping up between Mabel and Dipper after Mabel trusted Stan over Dipper(Especially considering she prevented Ford from killing Bill!))**

 **Stanchurian Candidate: I feel it was rather selfish for Stan to put his pride over the safety of his family, when they reveal the mind-control to him and he gets mad, lay it on home how he's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about his family!**

 **The last MabelCorn:** **I feel it was rather selfish for Mable to put her needs over the safety of her family, you can keep the 'Unicorns are selfish jerks' revelation if you want, but also lay it on home how she's being selfish and seemingly uncaring about her family!**

 **Roadside Attraction:(Recommended by Emma Iveli) If you MUST do this episode, Mable has to give Dipper more advice then just 'move on'(seriously, it's a bit weird she didn't help him more with this considering how much she loves matchmaking and knows better then anyone else how socially awkward Dipper is) And she and Grunkle Stan need to get into a big argument over who's advice is more valid. (pointing out the hypocrisy of Mable badmouthing flirting with multiple people, when she dose the same would be funny)  
**

 **Weirdmagedon: (can't think of anything...save for wanting to see a fic. where Ford's Bill-Killing Gun actually works...and Maybe some more character development/bonding between Dipper Wendy...and possibly Pacifica)(Oh, having Wendy comfort Dipper over his 'You can't make someone fall in love, you can only be worthy of love' speech would be nice too)  
**

 **Escape from Reality: JUST BURST THE BUBBLE! Especially if it's a crossover! A 22 minute story wrapped up in 5 minutes! Mabel can just deal with it!(it would also be nice if Wendy, Pacifica, or SOMEONE comforted Dipper about not getting any Valentines, also it be nice if someone reminded Wendy and Soos that their friends and family are suffering and they need to rescue them before they go gallivanting in the bubble).  
**

 **Take Back the Falls: If your doing a crossover, you HAVE to have someone from the Crossover-verse SUCCESSFULLY stop Stan from breaking the circle. By threatening him with death or dismemberment if necessary!**

 **EX: Ford: "Him and I...Grammar Stanley"**

 **Stan is about to beat him...when he feels cold steel pressed against his back**

 **Undyne: "YOU %$ #% one foot from where you are, I'll #% &$%$ kill you!"**

 **Stan gulps nervously...but stays in his place...and the cipher is complete...**

 **NOTE: to all Wendip and Dipifica fans alike...have you considered just making a water proof Tyrone and giving him to Pacifica while Dipper has Wendy? You could literally have your cake and eat it too!**

 **ANOTHER note: crossovers with gravity Falls in this challenge are accepted and encouraged! Let your imagination run wild!(But ONLY as long as you don't have the people from said crossover-verse sitting around useless and not letting them change the plot(let the above 'stop Stan from ruining the circle' be your template for ANY other moments in Gravity falls Cannon)**

 **And one more thing...I'm well aware that this might not be some people's cup of tea...so if you want to adopt ANY of my stories...or give them to a friend/acquaintance. That's fine.**

 **This dose NOT mean I'm discontinuing my stories, I'm just trying to give you more options. I will also allow multiple adoptions, so more then one person can enjoy this!**

 **Well, that's more or less it, good hunting YAH'll!**

 **...**

 **ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!**

 **I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!**

 **SUMMARY:**  
 **On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!**

 **The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! the publisher is Xlibris** ** **, also available at Inkitt, Amazon and BarnesandNoble.****


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